Since the Pandemic began, I have been hyper-vigilant about self care.
Eating healthy, moving my body, getting sunshine, meditating, communing with nature, hydrating adequately and taking my supplements have always been a way of life, but starting in March it became my religion. I was obsessed with staying high performance, optimal and well. This militant focus on my overall well being lasted the entire summer of 2020 up until about October.
Then, this dark cloud came over me.
Out of nowhere, I was depressed, anxious, sad, paranoid and totally overwhelmed with this thing that we were calling life. I felt lonely, disconnected and a tad crazy. I felt like my mission to help people awaken to live life Ambitchiously was being thwarted by dark forces. I was so angry, frustrated and lost.
In the spiritual world we call this the “dark night of the soul.” I have been through many of these during my spiritual awakening and ascension over the last decade, but this time felt different.
Usually when I feel this way I get really excited because I know it is a harbinger of the next leveling up. Remember, you always have to pull the arrow back so it can be shot, right? Well, there was no release. No catapult. No edge of glory. Or so I thought.
So I turned to my old standbys. Food and alcohol. I didn’t go full-on Lard Ass Logan. It started with a few extra cocktails at night by the fire. Then eating pasta a few times a week because hey, who knows when the world will end. Mine as well go out carbed up! Then desserts. Then more drinks. Then I found myself looking at the clock in the afternoon asking myself if it was an appropriate time to open a bottle of wine. Then the voice in my head that sounded oddly like Sophia Petrillo from the Golden Girls shouted, “It’s five o’clock somewhere!”
The more I went down this path, the more disconnected I felt. The more disconnected I felt the less I wanted to do my rituals and spiritual practices and the more I followed that treacherous path, the more and more depressed and anxious I became.
As Fat Bastard once said:
But it wasn’t about the weight this time. It was about the way I felt in my soul. I didn’t need more sleep. I didn’t need to chill. I didn’t need to rest. No amount of any of that was going to fix the way I felt. Ya wanna know why? Because my soul was tired and living in the 3-D.
We as a species need nature. We need magic. We need adventure. We need freedom. We need love. We need truth. We need community. We need stillness. We need connection. We need to wake the fuck up.
So I had a good old fashioned talk to myself in the mirror one day and slapped my little ego down. I told that little fucker that it was going to be ok. That it was protected. That it was safe and looked after.
When I was finished with that chat, I decided to cut all of the things out that were keeping me from my divine source energy. I decided to stop being afraid of being judged and spoken poorly about. I was sick of hiding in the shadows guarding my divine gifts. I let go of the realness of my physical body and acknowledged on every level that I am a divine being of light. I affirmed that I was omnipotent, omnipresent and that my soul will live on forever. And I got right with the Lord.
I assured myself that none of this was even real. All of it was one big illusion. I ripped off the Band-Aid. I pulled back the veil and I decided to take the leap to Escape the Matrix and jump into 5-D once and for all.